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I'm back and pissed off :-/ Nov. 20th, 2004 @ 03:57 am
It's been a long time since I've updated live journal and I was just about to get out of the frenzy of it because Facebook became the new addiction...when Stephanie told me tho write in LJ again. Well, Stephanie, you have unleashed my devil side. Good one, hun :-)

So I guess I'll start off with how I was initially in a good mood until now. The past weekend was AMAZING. Scott came and visited me and so did Josh and Jess as a surprise so that was sweet. Except they all said Tucson was super boring since no parties were going on that weekend...figures, they come the weekend no one's here. Nonetheless, I still had an incredible time with Scott and I am drop dead in love with him but I hope he doesn't know that. Things just always seem to be right when I'm with him. Then the week went by...turned in Chem Lab. Found out I couldn't fit into any of my shorts anymore and my pants are too tight...so I am officially on a diet and I'm doing a pretty good job of sticking to it. I figure, limit granola bars to 1 a day and cut out pizza and anything with grease and anything you can't count calories of. Then I'm working out every night--1 hour at the gym at 11 p.m. :-) I LOVE IT! I went 5 days this week and I may even go tomorrow. Then my English class is going sweetly and I have to get up early even though I'm going to bed after 4 a.m. to write it. WAHOO. I worked out with Danielle and socialized with her and got to better know some cool guys from class like Valdy and Matt...then there's Stephanie, who I painted nails with at Danielle's on Friday night. And then the drunks...aww, man you can't forget them.

So that was my good mood--until it got fucked up when Becca called me. No, I'm not mad at her at all. She and I have been getting along super well lately. What fucked me up was when she told me what the guy she liked did to her. I WAS SO FUCKING PISSED OFF, you have no idea. She was screwed over again, but this ass hole deserved a 1st place prize in "biggest douchebag who should slide down a razor into a bowl of vodka and cry for his mother" award. From what she told me in their conversation over AIM, holy fuck. It just reiterated EVERYTHING I didn't want to stereotype guys to be. But now I am going to be generalizing. This ass hole basically used her I think and played on this "Oh look I'm a sweet gentleman" type of personality" only to basically imply that all he wanted was a screw...totally hurt her because she liked him. He told her he couldn't trust girls, BULL SHIT, he can't handle a fucking commitment because he said when he gets too close then he has to start to "do work." Oh, cry about it some more mother fucker. Thanks a lot for hurting one of my closest friends and I hope you get castrated at this point.

So this prime example really depressed me because Becca does not deserve to get screwed over like this. She is a sweet girl who has been so awesome lately and I just felt fucking bad for her. Man...I just can't believe it. This isn't the first guy who's screwed her over. And every one puts on the same act: I'm cute, I'm such a sweethart, I could make you're life so amazing, OH WAIT, no I'm not, I'm a fucktard who just likes use you because you have hot boobs.

So is it bad that I'm generalizing about guys again? Well how could I not? I hate to say it, but from my observations here, it's clear there are TONS of guys just want to fuck girls brains out and then leave them and not call them ever again...or they just want to pull this "let's be friends with benefits" bull shit. Let me tell you for the most part, friends with benefits is just bull shit. I did it before in high school and it ended up in hell and it's basically a guy who wants to use your body without in secret without commiting to you...he gets everything, you get nothing. GREAT SHIT, huh? It's absolute bull shit. It's like they don't think before they speak. Oh no, these boys didn't learn from their own mothers that girls were emotional...no not at all. Seriously, you wonder how these guys were raised. WHO THE FUCK WERE THEIR PARENTS? Were they raised by wolves, I mean, for Christ's sake. This isn't even about blowing someone off anymore, this is about balancing honesty with tactfulness and being sincere about something...not being a degrading dickhole who makes it clear only after the fact. It's disgusting and despicable.

Disclaimer: I know there are probably guys out there who are pissed I'm generalizing and I'm sorry, I don't mean to. I met some awesome guys this week and got to know some good ones who I don't think would fuck anyone over...There are plenty of guys who are REALLY Gentleman and who aren't putting on an act, but I guess from my observations, I've just noticed that about 75% are in it for hot sex and random play they'll REALLY NEVER GET(oops did I just say that?). All I am going to say fuck them all, and I don't give a rats ass anymore...I am glad that I have Scott because I just don't think there's any guy here for me and I've accepted that and am happy with it because I'm drop dead in love with Scott (Hmm I wonder if he's going to screw my emotions over like he has done in the past, but WAIT, he actually knows how to deal with a situation like with maturity and heart and honesty unlike anyone I've met here. THAT'S why I was able to forgive him and I still love that kid to death)...but there are girls like Becca who do NOT NOT NOT deserve to be fucked over like this. I just can't believe how stupid guys can be-it's common decency...It's about thinking before you do something. OH wait, do you have a fucking brain to think with? NO, wait, you don't! You think with your fucking dick. Yep, guys who just think "hey, I want to fuck this girls brains out and just leave her" doesn't REALLY Think "oh wait, maybe my actions could affect her. Maybe girls have emotions? GASP!" because their dicks distort their rationale to the point where they HAVE NONE!

So tell me peoples. What is wrong with you. Why do you say the stuff you say if you don't really mean it? Why do you say shit just to sweet talk girls? Yea, I know there's tough girls out there who are just male in the mentality that they just want to fuck for fun, but I think there are 99% of girls who AREN'T LIKE THAT. I did experience this whole thing I'm talking about here at one point but it was super lame and not a big deal at all really (I'm not sure why it wasn't, maybe I'm a man when it comes to these things sometimes)...but I can definitely understand girls and emotions. I'm just sad that there are so many girls who are affected by this to the extremes like in Becca's case. It's pathetic how many guys are out there doing this.

You can't trust anybody here. No one. If some guy tells you that you are beautiful and that he can talk to you about anything , don't believe him. He's full of shit. He's just thinking about fucking you. If he kisses your forehead and puts his arm around you, be suspicious. I've learned that up to this point and Becca's experience really confirmed that it's important to watch out.

Some words of advice to guys: WOW, shocker, but girls have this thing called emotions. So do me a favor and think before the next time you want to fuck a girl just because she is a piece of ass and not because she means anything to you. Actions denote responsability...Meaning, the responability to explain yourself. GENUINE EXPLANATION. HMM have you even heard of what one is? Do I have to educate you?! Here's the thing-you make the mistake of fucking a girl that you don't care about, DON'T BLOW HER OFF. Be honest with her but don't say you were fucking her over either...just admit to her that you're a fat ass douche bag and you weren't thinking and maybe she'll be able to forgive you. But a better piece of advice? Just masturabate, and stop screwing girls you don't care about.

Thank God, I have never screwed a guy who I haven't cared about. Thank God. I can only imagine how often it happens to girls here and how much it would hurt them especially IF they're blown off afterwards.

Do you think blow up dolls would be the answer to this problem?! Why can't we just give every guy his own personalize blow up doll to fuck. I mean, blow up dolls don't have any emotions. Things would just be so much more better that way, but WAIT, to guys, it's not wet enough.

This is bull shit. This is my update. I know I know, it's quite depressing, vulgar, whatever. If you didn't like it, go fuck yourself. If you understand that I'm just venting in my live journal, thank you very much. You guys are probably going "Why is she stereotyping guys because girls fuck over guys as well all the time" You know what, I used to think that... I used to be objective, for real. I was. But I just don't know anymore...because right now, I can't really think of any exsamples where girls have fucked over guys here, but I can think of tons in which guys fucked over girls. But, if you're male, and you want to prove me wrong, then post your sorrowful storry and let's see. Bring it forth. How often is your body used? NO SERIOUSLY, I Want to know.

Well, I posted a depressing entry. I hope the next one will be happy...I am overall happy, just disgusted and offering my raging critique to the world. I apologize for the vulgarity, but it's just truly expressing how I feel and if my English teacher can let a student read a paper which contained 20 "fucks" in it, then I can write as many as I want in this entry as well.
Current Mood: angryangry
Current Music: None, I'm too pissed

Sigh... Nov. 6th, 2004 @ 02:06 am
I just spent this whole fucking night--no not partying, but working on a stupid website for my honors biology group since I am the only who can work html. It's bull shit since I forgot how to do it since it's been 2 months since I've touched it in MIS. So I spent what? maybe about 4 hours...my night wasted. I hung out with Matt from English for awhile... he drove me to Antigones and we hung out and listened to a really cool novelist that rants a lot ;-) IT WAS SOME GOOD TIMES...we went to eat at Pita Pit...yummy, I haven't eaten off campus for a long time. Then I introduced him to Weight Watchers Ice Cream...I told him a lot of my guy friends liked it. He didn't haha, he said it had no flavor. Go figure. He's a cool guy though. Then I went home...and worked on HTML and almost killed myself in the process.

Another week has passed...and holy shit it was a pretty exciting and depressing simultaneously. For one thing, Bush won the fucking election. As Brad puts it, 4 more years of douchebag in office, wahoo. As my conservative Dad puts it, "At least I still have my job." Whatever, I still don't understand the whole moral basis anymore for presidency. I mean really, CNN declares that the majority of people who voted for Bush voted based off of moral stances...I mean, WHAT THE FUCK. It also said that people who attended church on a weekly basis are 80% more likely than people who don't go to church to vote for Bush...well I guess that rules me out as well. Still, I'm disappointd in this country. Trust me, I had tons of friends at UA who voted for Bush...a little surprising, but it's because of their conservative parents, which I guess, is reasonable. As Scott puts it though, it's those stupid independent party idiots who didn't know what the hell they were doing. The ones who didn't want to change the status quo--who believed that it's wrong to change commander and chief in the middle of the war--I MEAN ALL THESE REASONS ARE absolutely absurd.

I personally still cannot understand that people would vote for someone who is 1) against stem cell research and will not fund it. I mean seriously, four more years of set back of the advancement and the possibility to cure diseases...it's absolutely bull shit. I guess my non-religious background makes me pretty one sided on the issue. I just don't believe in the argument that the embryo in the early stages is a legitimate soul--am I going to be condemned to hell? I guess Bush will. I mean the man is only slowing down the discovery of curing Diabetes, Heart Disease, cancer...I mean WHAT THE FUCK. The logic is messed up.
Oh, and must we remember pro-choice vs. pro-life invading into the abortion issue. Here is a fucking man who wants to put more conservatives on the fucking supreme court so that he can overturn Roe v. Wade. Isn't there some sort of problem with this fucking mentality? Sure, yea, you may say that he may not be able to do it...but come on, these judges are getting old, he'll appoint new ones, and wahooo...the greatest trump on individual rights and the right to choice. It's bull shit.

Homosexual marriages...I am personally disgusted with Bush for ever considering the idea of putting a constitutional ban on gay marriages. A violation of pro-choice in a country that values individual rights. There are some contradictions going on. Talking with Zach made me realize that Bush is a dick hole. That gay people should not be treated like second class citizens and this idea of the sanctity of marriage (to me) is an obsolete concept. Anyways, the ban won't pass or will it? I mean great, WE LOSE THE FUCKING CONGRESS to republicans as well. Great, so we lost the presidency, the congress, the courts, I see bad things coming along, but hey, you conservatives are just saying I'm dramatic. I probably don't have values huh?

Why vote for a man who wants your jobs to go overseas vs. a man who at least has the proper mentality to attempt to keep them here? Why vote for a man who has put us in this over $500 billion deficit and is going to plunge social security to hell even though he claims he's "reforming it." A man with no discipline--I mean seriously in spending, he's putting our country in the largest credit card debt. Why put a man in office who is taking funding/troops away from Homeland Security so he can fund his precious war that isn't getting better. I don't understand those people who think that Kerry is going to let us be invaded...he wasn't going to do that much that was different from Bush and Bush already knows how to piss off the our allies. I mean, at least Kerry doesn't have that record. It's absolute bull shit to me. I just don't get this stupid country. I really don't. OH WELL. it's done. it's over with. and we wait four more years. whatever.

Well, to me, maybe Bush will actually do some good things this time. Who knows. I'm open to that idea. I mean, October saw a huge surge in jobs in the service sector which could be attributed to the economy, but it's the economy under Bush. But still...manufacturing jobs were lost. Again. Outsourcing. DAMN corporations. If he attempts to democratize the rest of the fucking Middle East, I seriously will consider going to New Zealand.

PROP 200 SUCKS--restricting benefits for illegal aliens sounds great, but its inherently racist. WHAT BULL SHIT. This state does not value equal rights, that's all I'm going to say?


OKAY SO THAT WAS MY RANT ON THE FUCKING ELECTION. Now on to better things...uhh better things? Ummm...well it was a week with a lot of deliverables and I think I met the majority of them successfully. I got my Chem Lab and English Essay on Pleasantville back and I got A's on both. It's so sad that what's making me happy is grades--nothing else. THAT IS PATHETIC-WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Maybe I need some drama in my life again...wahoo, drama!

FACEbook...another sad/exciting addiction that I've gained. I am obsessed. I created one and now I am a hopeless victim. Then my friends from ASU created one.

Scott is still Scott. Talking to him has been great as always. He is such a great ranting guy when he sees Bush win, and I love that boy's liberal side. It makes me think: Wow, he has a heart which is sometimes difficult to see because he can be so practical.

English has been pretty awesome. My next essay is supposed to be experimental...I presented to pieces to the class on Thursday: one on my Asian problems and the other on AIM as an addiction...I think they were both liked so I'm not sure which one I'm going to do although naturally, I got more laughs on the AIM essay...it'll be great expanding on it if I choose but, but I kind of want to write a narrative about my life struggles as well being Asian :-) WHO KNOWS!

CHEM EXAM today. I don't know--i'm aiming for a 90 but I'll probably end up with a C. Who knows. It was tricky--not enough time. I didn't like it, but it certainly wasn't impossible either.


I learned guys can be insecure this week. After talking to some--and it made me feel like I'm to harsh on guys. Oh well, what can I say, I'm a bitch.

EVERYONE went home this weekend...WAHOO! Meaning I get to actually utilize my time properly and study for this biology fucker next friday. I got to pipe down this weekend especially since I partied a lot last weekend. Some compensation has got to be reached, I guess. At any rate, it's almost 2:30 a.m. and I have to get up at fucking 7 a.m. for the Diabetes Walk. It should be fun :)

Everything amazing and more... Oct. 31st, 2004 @ 08:14 pm
The weekend was everything I expected. It was absolutely incredible and I have not had this much fun awhile. Yea, sure, I procrastinated all my homework and I am still not doing it right now on Halloween, and I'm going to be so fucked over tomorrow. At any rate, it is definitely well worth it.

Friday...Ivan convinced me to ditch Chem to mail in my ballot for the elections. I'm not sure why I listened to him. But I did...I hate that kid! I voted for Kerry and who knows what the outcome will be on Tuesday, but seriously, the polls keep indicating that Bush is in the lead, but the same polls are also leaving out demographics including young college students. It's all deceptive. Whatever, I'm done voting, I got my voting sticker, and I'm happy.

So Stef picked me up and drove me and Justin home...she dropped me off at Jarvie's house because he was driving me to Red Mountain. That boy is still adorable and still skinny. HA, but great conversation in the car, just catching up.

Speech and debate tournament entrance was a little shaky for both of us...you know, just entering the scene as judges, not competitors now. At any rate, it was amazing to see all the kids again including Radhika, Zach, my brother...AWWW and all the new LDers are so adorable. Domo was still intensely crazy and hyper...Kyle was still the same sloppy Puerto Rican kid with messy hair...love him, but he hasn't changed one bit! Radhika was so awesome! God I miss that girl so much and Zach is still gay but the greatest gay I know. HOLY SHIT UVEN IS STILL Super short and he's coaching Brophy which is great since all his kids are taller than him and they still give him lots of respect :-) Seeing Jenny and talking with her about guys and Brad...wonderful times. There were just too many people that brought back too many good memories.

First round, I judged someone I had competed with last year. She was awesome, arguments were brilliant...the topic was about US spreading democratic ideals to other nations, which was incredibly similar to the one from last December when I competed on US obligation to mitigate international conflicts. It was a ton of fun--the arguments were flying, some were lame, and the debates overall were solid except for the two novice ones which obviously weren't quality. I wrote endlessly on the ballots--seriously, being a judge totally rocks. I loved the experience. The next day, I judged Extemp for the first time...it was pretty sweet hearing about what was going on in the road and judging people that I competed with in semis from last year...good times, good speeches, and I hope I didn't screw people over...Overall, the tournament gave me lots of brain sex! I have not heard so much awesome stuff about current events, politics, values, etc for the longest time and I miss it so fucking much! I probably won't judge too often but when I do, it will be amazing. I know it. DV came in first place with a 200 point lead...sigh, the team has not changed. We're still bitchin awesome and our team is still the hottest, sexiest team around. So proud...The only disappointment of the tournament was my poor brother who did not advance in policy debate...after all the pressure and stress he went through, his partner fucks him over. I feel bad for him but I know he will get it together.

After the tournament, more good conversation with Jarvie and then back to his place. Scott picks me up. Sigh, teary moments, good times. We went to Chandler Mall to meet Jess, Josh, and Dana...I miss all those kids so much! We saw The Saw...holy shit, the best horror movie of all times...intelligent premise, well done in all aspects except for the cheesy acting but I'm serious, you gotta see it cuz it's so incredible. It was great to hang out with the gang again...Jess and Josh split probably to go have sex, JUST KIDDING, as wand Dana, Scott and I went back to Scott's house. Both the guy wanted to drink Vodka and go to the spa, so I accompanied them but didn't drink too much. After awhile, both of them became really hilarious and we were in the spa until 3 a.m. It was freezing outside so no one wanted to get out...Dana was a lot more gone than Scott, who I think more had a buz. That boy has the most amazing tolerance level...he chugs down an entire 16 oz of Vodka that's not diluted and isn't even that drunk. Both were still funny though except when we had to walk back, Dana couldn't even stand up straight. He leaned on me and made me collapse, which pissed Scott off which was adorable. At any rate, I didn't really know the way back so we all struggled but luckily, Scott wasn't too gone and was able to get us back safely.

Yea Dana crashed on Scott's floor in his room. Didn't really stop us from doing anything to be honest... although it freaked us out when Dana would just mtuter "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." in his dreams...creepy. He's a great kid when he's drunk. I slept some, was with Scott some, slept more...but overall, I think I only got like 3 hours of sleep that night cuz I had to get up for speech and debate judging again on Saturday. Things were absolutely amazing though...like old times, same old lovely times and I miss him so god damned much right now. He drove me home the next day, we left on such a sweet note, and then I fucking cried later that day after the tournament. What the hell is my problem? I have never had so many issues with guys...He promised to come visit me in two weekends and I really just hope I'm not too busy and nothing much comes up for him then so we can really hang out again.

My Aunt came in last night! It was awesome...we just caught up, talked about Taiwan, talked about U.S. and the elections. Taiwan votes for Bush for "Taiwan reasons" which cracks me up. My Dad started getting angry over politics...nothing's changed. Doug calls me later that night as I tried to sleep, which was awesome because I don't think he's called me for awhile. We talked some, but he was at a Sterling party, that lucky bastard! I'm glad he called not only to talk but just so I would be more alert when Radhika called me later when she got home from the tournament...that was around 1 a.m. for her. Man, that girl just talked and talked...she is the sweetest thing and she and Zach are getting so illegitimately fucked over in debate outrounds because the fucking tournament directors can't put anyone legitimate to judge them. Pisses me off, and naturally, pisses them off b/c they work so hard. I felt incredibly sorry not really for her, but just for her situation...because it's happened way too often.

Ate at On the Border with family...going to go on a fucking diet again although that probably won't happen...but still, I ate so much this weekend because judges at the tournament got tons of free food and today, I ate a lot of cheese at the restaurant. Oh well, good times, food's great and TODAY IS HALLOWEEN so I can still eat some candy.

There's a party tonight, but to be honest, I'm not really in the mood to go. I'm exhausted from this weekend and I have too much to do, but it'll probably be bitching so I'll just have to ask about it later. Becca said her wedding was fun which I am glad...she's not going I guess either since her plane might not get in on time...she's tired too. I bet we're both pretty lame for not wanting to go, but seriously, the weekend was just way too exhausting and I just need some time.

Once again, a great weekened. Kind of glad to be in Tucson next weekend (even though I miss people like crazy) because I'm hoping to actually hit a good party THEN with cool peoples down here. Things are more normal again with friends and good times will come. Wahoo!

LOVELY! Oct. 29th, 2004 @ 03:14 am
Holy shit, I've heard this new Eminem song wayy too many times!

Loving life! My MIS Exam is over, HELL YEA, and I think I could have gotten an A on it still...maybe, we'll see. My English essay was turned in earlier this week...I really hope I get an A on that, but we'll see. I thought I did well, but I really suck at writing in depth film analysis. It turned out to be around 13 pages though so that was pushing my limits. Chem lab was due on Tuesday...done! I feel like overall, I got a lot of shit done, but wait, I haven't read 3 chapters for Biology and I'm probably gonna die on the next exam...Thank God it's not for another couple weeks and we get to drop one exam for the semester. WAHOO!

So in my previous entry, I was biching a lot...ranting I suppose about the people here. Today, I learn to forgive and forget. Perhaps the tension of the MIS test is released and I just feel a lot better. Anyways, I learn to deal because holding mini grudges is going to do absolutely nothing. I'm going to learn to deal with the fact that people here REALLY Suck at talking about things...people can't handle having deep conversations to work out problems. People are not open. That's fine. I guess maybe I'm exaggerating. I think coming from a speech and debate atmosphere where all the kids were outspoken, blunt, even mean, and then entering this realm where people can't ever be straight up honest about much is just a drastic change for me. I guess for awhile, I was trying to make people more open with me, but NOOOO, that project has officially crashed and burned. I just hope they learn to talk before they get married or their marriages will crash and burn to hell...wait, am I being too mean again?

Ah, well, I'm just saying. People here aren't that bad. I was going through a bitchy phase...MIS test...you know the deal. Doug is finally talking to me a little bit more again, I think anyway. Perhaps it was just cuz I helped him out with his paper, but I figure, I think he has the point that I don't want to be anything more with him than just friends and that he can stop worrying that I'm chasing him and wanting commitment b/c I am not and I don't want anything like that. I underwent that revelation last week for Christ's sake. Now you might be asking, why the hell am I assuming he thinks all this shit. Well, let me tell you, since he didn't say a god damned thing to me I'm going to assume that is going through his head because logically, every guy who's undergone this sort of transition has had these fears. So I'm going to stereotype. What a bitch I am.

Anyways, I just got the vibe earlier this week when we barely talked that he trying to blow me off...and it bugged me slightly. Maybe he just needed some space, but for reals, I just want to be his friend and I hope he wants to be mine??? For Christ's sake when was the last time I got ice cream wtih the kid and just talked. He had some pretty cool things to say. Eh who knows if he wants to be friends...then again, the kid actually talked to me a little bit more today than usual this past week...perhaps b/c I helped him a tiny bit out with his Women's rights paper on Virginia Woolf. Dude, feminism rocks my world. How many papers have I written about women's rights? My last paper for English had this whole chunk about women's rights so I guess I offered to help because I was in the mood to bitch about sexism. At any rate, good paper although I'm glad I don't have to write as many lame papers with actual prompts as some of the other kids here have to do.

My English teacher rocks so much! I LOVE HER! I have never had such a brilliant time in English. Now, yea, it's true that I want an A on the essay I turned in, but if I don't get one, I'll still love her. She is sooo insanely liberal and is letting us basically write about anything we want for our next essay as long as we experiment with form and content...it's so awesome. I was actually thinking about writing a paper on the mysteries of college guys...that would be quite interesting and a good field of research since I still know I don't have them figured out. She said we could do field research, meaning, I could just pull some friends aside and question their motives in college...what they're looking for and shit. He'll I can even pull Doug aside and force him to at least explain why the hell he never told me we stopped dating...OHHH that would be brilliant. No but seriously, I am actually considering this as a topic...our teacher has received papers on anti-vegans and online dating so my topic is NOT out of the blue. More thought on the paper later.

Staying up late tonight! I finished fucking BAD 112L FINALLY and I'm so relieved. Seriously though, I had so much trouble installing BAD 112L on my computer when my Dad was here last week. Today, I tried it one more time and it ACTUALLY worked! I mean WOW! Brilliant! So I just finished that. Now I'm talking to dear Radhika about the tournament tomorrow. She seems really excited and nervous at once, adn yet, I know she will be totally kick ass! I LOVE THAT GIRL! I am so excited I know DV will rock so fucking much! SHIT...brings back good memories from last year at Red Mountain. The night before, staying up until 4 a.m. doing that stupid Flinn Scholarship essay and then staying up for 2 days straight for the tournament...This time, I will be judging...HARHAR, this should be interesting especially since I judge kids that I've competed with...HURRAY!

I'm going to be listening to rounds about U.S. moral obligation to spread democratic ideals to other nations...WAHOOO sounds like a bunch of shit from last year...if the Brophy kids pull critiques from the asses, I will kill Uven. I seriously will. :-) JUST KIDDING UVIE!

I am just incredibly pumped and excited for the weekend. Is this how homesick I've been for over a week? Seeing all the speech and debaters will be an amazing experience. I will be surrounded by the good old straight up honest bluntly rude ass holes from high school...and I will love it so much...the crude humor, the sarcasm, racism, holy shit, this team is HUGE this year too! Seeing Radhika...Jenny and Brad together...UVIE CHONG! I'm way too excited.

THEN SCOTT!!!! I talked to him a lot this week and I miss him like crazy! I can't wait until I see him tomorrow night. I'll probably see a scary movie w/him after judging and spend the night and just talk and hang out, do whatever. Sigh. I can't wait. That boy is my pradigm for a perfect husband. Is it pathetic that I'm saying this while we're almost 2 hours apart? Probably...heh. We'll you know, we talk about this shit. And of course I'm not saying I'll marry him in the future...BE PRACTICAL! But fanasizing is super fun! I'm just going to let myself be with him and do what feels right :-)

My Auntie is coming in from Taiwan! On Saturday at 9 p.m. I will see the women I haven't seen since last Christmas time. I AM SO EXCITED!

This weekend is going to be so fucking sweet and loaded. I am so ready to go to Phoenix. I hope I actually get the will to come back to go to school again. OH hell...

Whatever Oct. 27th, 2004 @ 01:13 am
After talking on the phone with Becca for awhile tonight, I am convinced of a couple realities:

People can be such ass holes and not even realize it.

Friendships here are incredibly superficial and you can never tell who you can trust and who you cannot...and have to expect that friends can be extremely nice one minute, and then self centered fuck tards the next. Is there any justification to such transitions? I have no idea.

Becca believes that friendships here are one sided. I definitely agree. Friendships are taken for granted and people expect that they can just walk all over you and still expect that you will be there for them when they need you. Bull shit.

Some people do not know how to treat others with common deceny or with respect. You wonder who the hell their parents are. It's really unfortunate that people feel like they can get away with the shit they do and assume that it doesn't affect anyone.

People make jokes in the most fucked up manners...they make them to put people down. It's bull shit. If there's one thing I love about Scott, it's that his jokes always revolve around sarcasm, intelligence, wittines, charm, and are never condescending to the person he is joking with. He is funny to entertain, not to hurt. Maybe people should reconsider their ideas of joking around here and learn to actually put some intelligence into what they say and do.

Whatever. That's all I am saying. I really don't think the act of friendship requires all that much. But apparently people still don't believe that a deep friendship is worth the effort. Everything revolves around their convenience.

I think I'm just really homesick right now. Homesick for the amazingly developed friendships back at home and missing people like crazy. I really can't wait to see Scott, my best friend in the whole world.

I felt like crying tonight. I'm not going to do it though. I just say screw it.

If they don't try to make things work, then why should I?

Oct. 25th, 2004 @ 11:13 pm
Man, I talked to Jessica for so long tonight and it felt so awesome having her to let me feelings out to about guys. See today was one of those guys where I just felt sickened, I guess. I was working on a group project for MIS and one of the girls in the group is telling her boyfriend of almost a year is proposing to her next semester already. I'm like WHAT THE FUCK! But it also started to make me think--man, how lucky is this girl as well to know that she as found the guy she will spend the rest of her life already.

Talking to Jessica also gave me some real perspective. She gives some of the coolest advice when it comes to understanding feelings and shit. She can also picture marrying Josh one day in the future...man I am so at that wedding if it happens because they are the most stable and cutest couple in the world right now.

My conversation with Jessica tonight really sums things up for now...Sigh, life is just a bitch sometimes when things just don't go your way.
HeavenSnt119: i still cant believe josh told you to castrate anothe rmale
ChaTTerBABY8: lol
ChaTTerBABY8: thats so josh isn't it!
HeavenSnt119: no is not...he normally is like its so wrong
ChaTTerBABY8: he was trying to make me feel better i think
HeavenSnt119: it sounds like something he would say to a little sister
HeavenSnt119: so i guess thats how he looks at your friendship
ChaTTerBABY8: lol i guess huh?
HeavenSnt119: i guess that makes us future sister in laws
HeavenSnt119: jk, no i just meant cause you guys are friends and he is protective
ChaTTerBABY8: ive ALWAYS WANTED TO BE YOUR SISTER. scary huh.
HeavenSnt119: yeah some time in the future
HeavenSnt119: when i have no idea
ChaTTerBABY8: hey for reals
ChaTTerBABY8: u can picture urself marrying him huh?
ChaTTerBABY8: im being honest now
HeavenSnt119: yes
ChaTTerBABY8: thats really cool.
ChaTTerBABY8: sad thing is: i still picture myself one day being with him again. isn't that sad?!
HeavenSnt119: i cant imagine it not being him
HeavenSnt119: i mean can you picture yourself in a serious situation with him though
HeavenSnt119: i mean step one can you picture a fun time in the future with him?
HeavenSnt119: 2-can you picture a kinky future moment with him?
ChaTTerBABY8: yes
ChaTTerBABY8: are u giving me rules?
HeavenSnt119: 3-can you picture a sentimental moment in the future with him? like christmas morning or waking up next to him on a sunday?
ChaTTerBABY8: definitely do we've had some pretty neat moments
HeavenSnt119: 4_ can you picture a moment in the future with a hard time. with him consouling you? like if you lost your job or something
ChaTTerBABY8: definitely.
HeavenSnt119: and how about can you picture cheering him up...not just give him a bj and he is happy but truly make him feel better without sex
HeavenSnt119: 5-can you picture that aftercheer-up make up sex?
ChaTTerBABY8: i think so.
ChaTTerBABY8: seriously he seems so unemotional a lot but really hes got it in him
HeavenSnt119: personally i think he is lonely without you
ChaTTerBABY8: what do u mean?
HeavenSnt119: i dunno its like he looks but never sees anything but you
HeavenSnt119: who is your best friend?
HeavenSnt119: simple question one name answer...
ChaTTerBABY8: scott
ChaTTerBABY8: seriously
ChaTTerBABY8: he really still is.
HeavenSnt119: good you pass the test
HeavenSnt119: you can not expect anything to be real if he is not your best friend
ChaTTerBABY8: you're totally right.
ChaTTerBABY8: sigh man im soooo just really frustrated that hes not here. u know?
HeavenSnt119: YOU went there HE went here...sorry to sound cruel but not my problem
HeavenSnt119: i mean your choices
HeavenSnt119: you guys can fix it
HeavenSnt119: if it bothers you
ChaTTerBABY8: oh yea i totally know that its our choices
ChaTTerBABY8: its just u know we always talk about if we were at the same school we would be together again
ChaTTerBABY8: i dunno i mean he doesn't seem to have moved on yet anyway
ChaTTerBABY8: but he could
ChaTTerBABY8: and ill be fine w/that.
HeavenSnt119: no you wont
HeavenSnt119: be honest with yourself
ChaTTerBABY8: id be really horribly depressed
ChaTTerBABY8: i think i would cry
HeavenSnt119: be honest with yourself...do you fanticize about him
HeavenSnt119: you dont have to tell me and answer..just if you do
ChaTTerBABY8: yea
ChaTTerBABY8: its so fucking sad jessica
ChaTTerBABY8: i have fanasized about him
HeavenSnt119: think..is it because you are curious of what it would be like with him more like a challenge ya know like something you cant have....or cause it truly sounds good
ChaTTerBABY8: proposing to me.
HeavenSnt119: ha i thought i was the only one
ChaTTerBABY8: isn't that sick?!
HeavenSnt119: just take josh's advice when you come up here
ChaTTerBABY8: whats that?!?
ChaTTerBABY8: i forgot.
HeavenSnt119: threaten to castrate him, and then the official part will come j/k
ChaTTerBABY8: :-)
ChaTTerBABY8: i dunno. i think we talked about this last nite
ChaTTerBABY8: we were talking about being official.
ChaTT erBABY8: we just dont want to miss opportunities that may come by i guess?? we're young. im just really hoping in the future something will bring us back together.
HeavenSnt119: you wont miss an opportunity
HeavenSnt119: it will happen if its meant to be if your with scott or not, or anybody else. cheating is wrong yes, but i mean you cant control feelings. live life have fun, let time do the work for you
HeavenSnt119: if you want date scott, if not be single...either way it will all fall into place
ChaTTerBABY8: ur right
ChaTTerBABY8: thanks.

I'm going to save this baby forever because it seriously provides me with comfort and inspiration when I am sad. I love this girl sometimes. I realize these past couple months that I have been denying any lingering feelings for Scott because we're not together anymore and it can never work out right now. I've been trying to move on these past couple months, trying to meet new people, etc, etc. But there's no reason for that...there's no reason to force anything to happen with anybody else. I just realized that this past weekend when things with Doug didn't work out and it made me realize, wow, it's not a big deal at all. In fact, I would rather be really good friends with Doug because he's great material for that. In the end, every experience here is a learning one only to make me a better person so that if Scott and I are with each other again, I will be stronger and more enlightened. Just have fun in the mean time. Don't analyze so much, I tell myself. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Just expose yourself at college and have tons of fun..when you see him, just live in the moment. Sigh...a sick sappy romantic story.

Becca and I have both unanimously agreed that boys can really suck down here...superficiality reeks through a lot of them...they're deceptive and they seem to only want action. Maybe not all boys...no there's a lot, sigh. When I can relate to Becca, things are cool. I love that girl lately as well

Girl power rocks!

I hate it when I get into this girly romance mood. I really do. Being a girl blows...literally.

:-(

Well GOOD NITE NOW because I am doing my Chem Lab

Oct. 24th, 2004 @ 10:04 am
I am so fucking tired. I am so fucking tired. But I still have to put on my happy face for my parents...they're going to be here in like 20 minutes. HOLY SHIT, I miss them so much even though they gave me hell in high school and I'm actually excited they're coming...or am I just excited for my laptop? HMMM...HAHA, that could be it too.

I register for classes today at 1 while they're here. Hopefully it won't be a bitch process. I'm reducing the amount of honors credits I'm taking and I'm about to fuck the whole honors route because if I get really do get into pharmacy school in 2 years, then that shit won't even matter. I'm taking less credits too next semester...we'll 16 because I'm avoiding a Chem lab that I have from high school...thank god for dual enrollment, baby. I think I will have two 8 a.m. classes still next semester, which I will survive with and then the other days, I will have a 10 a.m. class WAHOOOOOO...an extra hour to sleep in.

PCAT BBQ was really great although I have extra hot dogs and buns in my fridge I'll never eat. I dunno really, I think I'm just going to give it away or maybe start a new habit with eating hot dogs for dinner although that'll get really OLD and REALLY GROSS! I ended up using my debit card and putting around $100 on it...shit, I really should check how much I have in my checking account but I think the pre-pharmacy advisor will this poor college student back soon. I might have to lend out a shitload of money to Stefan which is something I've never done before, but I do trust him, I think to pay it back. Probably shouldn't tell my parents that when they come today.

OMG Becca's birthday was so insanely messed up and so insanely fun! I went shopping with Jess for Fascinations gifts and just cool stuff at the mall. I splurged and spent over $100, but I figure I'm not going to think about it. We drove around for 2 hours looking for this party that turned out to be a bomb shell because one of the guys that was there is apparently a pscyho path and Becca's friend Melissa has a restraining order against him. That's pretty messed up. The other party we hit at Sterling definitely sucked ass especially compared to the first one we went to at the beginning of the year...but whatever, I had fun. People were being way too over dramatic last night and it was lame. Maybe I was too but I didn't notice.

Giving Becca her birthday present was a lot of fun. Waseem decided to put on a pseudo strip show, which I think she thoroughly enjoyed. You know, both her and me are experiencing the same issues when it comes to guys right now. It's pretty great to have someone to relate to and it's pulled us closer together, I think! :-)

So it's just funny because apparently Doug and I backtracked to just being friends again even though he never ever told me this...the last time we talked we were dating, but still dating other people and I'm just wondering whyyyy the hell people can't be straight up about shit. Stefan just brought it up and I just responded hmmm...It's ridiculous how you know this and I don't. Oh well, at any rate, I think if he wants to be friends, I am absolutely awesome with it. I think last night we were more friends like and it was really fun still. He's just a really cool guy and being friends with him will make my day anytime. Just gotta keep a positive attitude about the fact he really doesn't know how to make things clear, but I'm not really gonna bother with it either. It's really no big deal. We dated. He probably figured at one point he just wants to play the field and we're not compatible. It happens. No big deal. You move on. I think it's just all part of the whole college experience. Yet when Becca and I talk, we both find ourselve venting to each other about guys. HAHA, well what can you say, girls will be girls. And well, I'm a girl...HAHA.

I am going to see my parents soon WAHOO! SHOPPING BABY! AND EATING! I LOVE IT!
Holy shit but when I come back for homework tonight, I will stop crying. I guarantee it. I hate homework. I hate it so much. DIE!

I wonder... Oct. 23rd, 2004 @ 05:04 am
Last entry of the night right before I go to bed as I wait for my skin medicine to rest for a little bit on my face.

Oh my god, today is Becca's birthday! I still don't have her present, but that's on my agenda today. I'm excited, it'll be a fun day.

My parents are visiting me on Sunday! HURRAY! My dad's bringing me a new lap top. Got to love Dad when he does that for you. I think he just feels bad for me because I cried to him all week. Sigh.

After analyzing (I guess doing what I do best unfortunately) the situation with some girl friends who think I'm being treated like a piece of meat, I come to ask myself:

Is he really interested in me in the sense that we're dating right now and he could picture us potentially have a relationship in the future...but we're not doing any more than just dating right now because there's just no reason to rush into it?

Or does he know for sure that he would never ever want to be official with me and he's just using me until he can find a girl that is his type? Are we not even dating, but just mere friends with benefits who use each other for physical relationships only?

I mean, I guess people observed tonight that he appeared standoffish to me earlier on and then they reprimanded me after I told them that we still made out later and stuff. I guess I was acting on impulse, I didn't care. Hmmm...standoffish? I guess I didn't notice. What is going on though? Should I feel bad about it? Who knows.

There are times like these when I appreciate Becca's advice and "words of wisdom" about men. I really do. I guess I want to know at this point whether he's just afraid of commitment, which is normally, and perfectly fine...I am willing to date for that reason, or if he just comes to me when he wants to have a lil fun.

And do I even care about this? I mean by the way he talks, this really does mean I am allowed to go and mess around with Scott when I visit him next weekend or when he comes to visit me in a few weeks. Right? So why do I do I still feel weird about it. I guess it's just odd I haven't seen the kid in over a month, holy shit, it's been awhile. He hasn't moved on yet. I miss him. Should I just not care and just be a college student already and just whatever this god foresaken thing? God, I just don't know anymore.

I attempt to explain myself to him.
I fail.
He doesn't give me straight answers though either.

What a guy.

I mean, this isn't really that big of a deal. It's just in my subconscious right now, exposing some dark thoughts to me right now. I LOVE IT! HAHA, I love life. I love ambiguity. I love mystery. I love how all of it presents this irritating lingering feeling that just rests itself on my shoulders and just sits there, comfortably. Thank you boys for giving it all to me.

I talked to Scott for awhile tonight and I am still convinced that boy is one of the most sarcastically intelligent guy I will ever meet. His life philosophy is based off of Comedy Central. He doesn't fail to crack me up when I'm in a bad mood. I can't wait until I go back this weekend.

I have to get through the week first with English Essay due on Tuesday and MIS test on Thursday. Fuck...when will I get this shit done?

I can't wait until I get up in a few hours to do homework. Shittastic!

Oct. 22nd, 2004 @ 11:25 pm
So when I start saying things like "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get," you know I have issues. And man I do. I have been incredibly moody this past week which also can be attributed to the fucking fact that its that time of the month. I was REALLY cranky on the phone with my parents and cried so much to them this past week...I realized I was homesick. I haven't gone home in over a month so I guess that makes sense. I am planning on going home next weekend, but it will be REALLY CRAZY, which is why I usually don't go home. I am judging debate and probably gonna see some elitists again WAHOO, I am going to see my Aunt from Taiwan, I need to see Scott, and other friends and still get some homework done. It's completely overwhelming, but I'm excited as ever.

Oct. 16th, 2004 @ 10:45 pm
A lazy Saturday...I got up around 11 a.m. which was really nice! Headed over to Stefan and Doug's after a long shower...MMmmm it was amazing. I needed a hot one. At Stefan and Doug's, I started to get into a bad mood over my Chemistry lab. My poor parents had to put up with me...they had called me and were all excited about coming down to visit me next Sunday and wondered what they should buy for me, and I just snapped at them so much...I was such a bitch and I'm not sure why. Oh yea, because of the fucking lab. Anyways, I'm not finished with it yet. I will be fine though. I'll just be working on it tomorrow more after AIDS Walk...at least now, after a few phone calls to smart people, I understand my observations/results. This morning, I couldn't even get that.

So I slept for 2 hours at the boys place...it was comfortable, but I was only supposed to take a 20 minute nap. Damnit. Oh well. I talked to Mandy for a little bit today and we went to Jamba Juice and grocery shopping. I bought a few things for Stefan and Doug because I ate some of their tortilla chips and Molly had stopped by today and took some of Stefan's shrimp chips and twinkies...I felt bad! So I got some stuff...I owe it to them especially after they let me use their room this weekend as a haven with a computer.

At any rate, tomorrow, I have to get up at 5 a.m. for the lovely AIDS Walk. I love that event though so it should be fine an hour after I get up. I look forward to it. But I hope I can still stay up after the event to do my homework. We'll definitely see if I survive because I still have a shit load of stuff to do.

The big thing...luckily by the end of today, I didn't feel as cranky and bitchy as I was this morning. I'm finally telling myself to relax. To not worry so much about school...that it's okay if I can't get everyting done when I plan to get them done. I take so long to do shit.

Stefan's Netscape really sucks, but I have gotten so used to it which was sad. I tried printing shit off Mandy's computer today with IE, and I was confused on where the go button was to go back...I forgot that IE has arrows. Damn Stefan's Netscape.

Ah well, life is great. I will have to admit it could be a lot worse.
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